Move through the darkness to see the light. This is the only way to understand where you came from and how far you have traveled. The darkness reveals your innermost, darkest secrets and your most inner, sensitive emotions. When you experience your inner darkness, the best of you begins to emerge. This darkness enables you to grow into a beautiful butterfly, but first you must sit in the darkness and get to know that side of yourself. Whether good, bad or indifferent, understand your dark side to the best of your ability.
Once you have gone through your darkness, you can step into the light and see what you have become. We learn and grow in the darkness. We bring others and lessons to us. Those others are lessons or people. As a sensitive person, I bring many to me and through understanding, I know what I want in my life now.
It’s neither darkness nor people that held me in the dark. I rode that fine line between the two. There is a fence between darkness and light. The dark cannot be discarded but the light can be fully embraced. I walk the line and know who I am and what I’m made of. It’s because I have walked both and I have embraced both at the same time.
I am both the darkness and the light. I’d rather have the light reside inside my body, mind and soul. I know how far I can go and what is ahead of me. I will never know what the future holds for me, but I do know if I hold the light near, I can help others walk through their darkness and into the light. That is not to say I will never visit the darkness from time to time, I will and still do. I actually prefer the light.
The darkness taught me about myself and what I’m capable of. I know the dimness and no one else will walk in my shoes unless I invite them in. One other person in this world knows my darkness. Outsiders will never thoroughly understand what I’ve been through until they walk in my shoes. The only other person I let in is my husband and he held my hand throughout it all without doubting me for an instant. He already had been through his own darkness and he taught me how to help others get through theirs.
Without my husband, I don’t know where I’d be now. Most likely dead or in a ditch somewhere. My inner demons almost took hold of me and strangled me to death. I allowed it to happen on a certain level. I didn’t need to walk through this alone. I now know everyone needs someone there to tell them they are going to be okay. When we walk alone, we learn to fear ourselves and what our minds are capable of. Those inner dark entities run wild and some overtake us from time to time. It’s up to us to finally put our foot down and tell ourselves that they will never rule us. No longer will I become victim to my own dark inner thoughts of suicide.
Yes, suicide has played inside my head on numerous occasions, but I never allowed it to stop allowing my husband or the light in. Throughout it all, I can still let the light in as I traveled through that dark tunnel. That is the point of the whole thing: to learn how to live in the light while dealing with our darkness. This can be done with confidence and we all can live happier, fuller, more productive lives if we learn to move from the darkness and into the light. Learning this can be trickier than you think because the darkness constantly wishes to devour you and your life. Never allow this to happen. You cannot allow this to happen. Always ask for help when you are drowning in that deep bog of darkness.
That bog has many creatures living in it that would love to drag us/you back down. I liken it living in hell. We must resist our inner demons and overcome them. When they get loose, they are chaotic and challenging to our life. They can and will do anything to hold us back. I told myself that binding them and putting duct tape over their mouths worked. It does when you are persistent at keeping them at bay. They must never be loose for too long because if they are, you will lose the battle for a while until you’ve had enough of their crap.
You are in charge of your emotions. You are the one that needs to tell those inner demons to sit down and shut up. It’s up to you to enforce the rules in your head. It’s your head after all. You are the one that needs to make these demons sit in the corner for a time out. Some will disobey you and that is when you put forth harsher rules and harsher consequences. You need to obey your own rules too. Once you stray, so will the inner demons. Having rules in place allows you more freedom to walk through life and this will allow you get through it a little easier and a little happier. Negative thoughts have their own ideas and will come up with new ways to bring you down.
Never allow this to happen because it happened to me. My past wayward thoughts continuously made up things to drag me back into the darkness. That is where they play and live. They are stronger in the darkness and once they have you there these wayward thoughts will make up new things to force you to do things you never thought you’d ever do. Stop allowing this to happen. Stop allowing these thoughts to override your good sense. You have positive thoughts in your head and tell those thoughts to quiet the negative ones. And don’t forget to breathe.
Breathing brings you back to the present and allows you to gain hold of those negative thoughts and stop them in their tracks. This is the only way I have discovered how to by-pass those nasty little thoughts that constantly want to harm our well-being. When you suddenly feel stressed, stop, and breathe. It will center you and allow positive thoughts to rise to the surface. I love it when the positive wins. It always will because the negative doesn’t have what it takes to live in the light. Always live and breathe in the light and take the time to breathe deeply.
The darkness doesn’t want you to breathe. It wants you to struggle on a continuous basis. I stopped allowing that to happen a while ago, but I’m human and the darkness does try to win from time to time. I know when it comes on now and by putting a stop to it before it overtakes me is key. You can stop it before your mind determines you’re a complete loon. You’re not looney and you do have the power to halt any transgressions your mind comes up with unless there is serious mental illness going on. Seek the help of a licensed professional if that is the case.
This is for all of us mortals that can stop it on our own, but don’t have the proper tools to do so. It’s not all that simple when starting out. It’s complicated and you will fall down constantly. I know I did. When we fall, it’s up to us to pick ourselves right back up and continue forward. That is the only way we will learn from the experience. Once you start to catch on when certain thoughts creep in, stop and breathe before dealing with those pesky negative thoughts. Breathing is the first thing all of us should do. It’s essential to life. That is how we encircle and capture those thoughts before they get a deep grip on us.
Once they have a hold, we need to take immediate action before our entire well-being is held down. We will lose control, cry, shout, and scream at whomever is around us. That is not the way to behave around others when our awful thoughts capture us in their grip. Losing control is not our path. Our path should be filled with light and butterflies or whatever else you love to be around. Stay in control once you learn to inhale and exhale on a continuous basis. Learn to control those inner demons with everything you have within. Learn to love the person you are because your path is yours and yours only. It’s not for anyone else to dictate.
I wanted to write this so it will help others move along their path in life. I’m a sensitive person with a high level of empathy and I knew I was different from an early age. It’s hard to say at what age I knew something was unusual, but I can tell you I thought I was totally, absolutely, positively alone until I met others with similar thoughts and feelings when I was around the age of thirty. That was when I started on this path to understand and know who I truly was inside. Up until then, I was lost in my own darkness without a light to help guide my way.
These inner negative thoughts brought me to my knees on more than one occasion and I had no weapon or knowledge to use against them to find sanity. In the beginning, I cried, a lot. That was how I managed my life, through crying. I was told it would cleanse me inside and out. It certainly did that, but it never stopped these horrible thoughts from overtaking my mind and soul. I began to feel lost in the darkness with no way out. I was sinking fast and couldn’t stop myself from falling deeper, ever deeper.
Finally, I met other sensitive people that were fighting their own inner demons. They wrestled with their negative thoughts until they surrendered. I didn’t understand what that was all about until I learned how to calm down instead of overreacting to everything around me. The opposite of calm is where I was. I hated my life and didn’t know what calm and serenity was. I desperately needed to know how to stop these demons from taking over and running my life into the ground. That was how I lived. These thoughts controlled me at every level and after a while, I stopped and listened to what my friends and my thoughts had to say.
Listening to my thoughts was new and different to me. Many had negative aspects to their words. I wanted my thoughts to be nice and not say mean things all the time. As time went by, I discovered how many different voices there were inside. Many were from my past trying to drag me back down to hell. I refused to go back to that horrible place. I was meant for better things and helping myself was number one priority at the time, even though I was a young mother feeling alone almost all the time. I hated feeling alone. It’s one of the most despicable feelings in the world.
I began to learn many new ways to cope with my inner thoughts and soon, I came to the conclusion that I had to learn to handle some of them in a different manner. I yelled and screamed at them and they yelled back louder. That didn’t work what-so-ever. They had louder voices than I did. I couldn’t deal so I bent inside myself and tried to keep some stability. On the outside, I looked okay, but on the inside, I was dying. I was dying a terrible death and wanted to commit suicide on many occasions throughout my life. That was no way to live with two young kids under my charge.
As I watched others succeed in overriding their inner thoughts, I realized that I could accomplish this too. I needed determination and authority under my belt. I worked at it daily and hourly when I could between being a mother, a wife, a cook, a maid, etc. Slowly, but surely it was working for me. It took years for me to learn how to step outside myself and look within. I was a total mess inside my body. I needed to fix it and fast.
Years went by as I stumbled and fell many times over. I couldn’t seem to get a handle on everything all at once. ‘Deal with one thing at a time’ was what I heard. I had to deal with one voice at a time. I started to do this as friend told me to do this with ‘ease and grace’. I was actually beginning to get somewhere, but not without falling numerous times on my face. Every time I fell, I pushed myself back up, sometimes slower than previous times. I wanted it to all stop.
All I wanted was to give up. I would fall down and stay down for days or weeks at time and take everything personal. I cried through my pain. I think I cried myself a river during these dark days. It is dreadful to look back on now. I cannot believe how weak I felt as these inner mumblings dragged me down. I’d crawl at times and there was nothing else I could do. They ran my life and I allowed it to happen.
I was ragged and aging years before my time. My body was tired and my soul was overly tired. I didn’t want to continue living during the years I endured their wrath. They hated me and I gave in time and time again. I hated myself for allowing it to happen. I didn’t have the strength to fight back. My husband kept telling me to fight them off and tell them all to ‘shut up’. But I did not have it in me to do that, until one day I started to bark back. I had had enough of their crap.
It was a slow process at first. It took years for me to gain some kind of confidence to fight back. These old voices were still in charge of my life and I kept falling down a lot. When I fell down, it was all mental and emotional damage that was taking place. I took it all out on my husband because I was not strong enough to fight these beastly thoughts off. I was weak and wanted to die many times over.
After talking it over with my husband for the millionth time, I visited with my friends that had already overcome these awful thoughts themselves. They told me how to work it out and how to stop listening to them. I just wasn’t ready to stop dropping to the floor every time one said a horrible thing to me. I couldn’t deal and cried on my husband’s shoulder too many times to count. I didn’t want to fight it alone anymore. I needed help and that was when my husband stepped in and told me what to do. He had no idea what I was dealing with, but he wanted to help me get through it. His love was stronger than the demonic thoughts inside me.
How does one fight off invisible voices inside their head? First, you have to know each voice and identify it. Once you do that, then bind them one at a time and slap duct tape over their mouths. This is the only way to shut them up. Once you have accomplished that task, then you can start having peace. That quiet within my head became deafening to me. It still is. I have to admit that once I took the time to stop the voices from talking, I discovered there was a still small voice left which was mine. I needed to listen to that one voice and adhere to what it told me. That was the one voice I wanted to hear. I felt it was possibly God. I loved hearing just one tone and I began to learn from it.
That one voice had been drowned out by thousands of others constantly talking. It was marvelous to just hear one tiny voice among others that told me how awful I was. This one voice told me how wonderful I was and how loved I was. What an awesome voice to listen to. I soon learned to push aside the other voices and just listen to the one that had been stifled for far too long. I wanted me back and not those others who had been telling me what a terrible person I was.
I was finally finding me buried deep inside myself for so long. I was going to discover who I truly was. I was highly sensitive and heard these other voices for a reason. I needed to help others and it was then that the spiritual world opened up for me more than ever before. I was settling into who I was as I listened to what others had gone through. This needed to happen in order for me to help others find their own still small voice. We all have a voice and it’s up to us to listen to it and flush others out. I was different from others and I was still recognizing this even as my friends told me I was not special. We’re all special in our own way, but I needed to find my place in life and how I could help others.
Being a Leo, I thought I deserved to know everything all at once. How wrong I was as life slapped me in the face many times over. Everything takes time and I now know how humble I needed to be. God ensured I stayed humble too. I needed to be happy with who I was and stop trying to be something I wasn’t. I’m me and no one else. I needed to be satisfied with that for once in my life. We are all individuals and that is all we are. Each are unique in our own way. It just took me a long time to discover that. I thought I needed to copy others to find me. It was inside of me all along.
My voice will never be ignored again. I must never fall down because of what an inner thought says or what others tell me. I will never change for anyone else ever again in my life. It brought on feelings doubt and misery. I hated being miserable living in a bog I disliked. That bog taught me a lot. Everyone stands in their own bog of misery. Some people have learned to hide it better than others. I hid it for a long time. Very few people knew I was a sensitive soul because I’m so well protected, not only by me, but by God. After hearing the call back to God, I turned back in August of 2016 and never looked back. I needed to listen to someone who knew the truth and not a human pretending to know their truth.
This has been a long, complicated journey for me. I couldn’t have traveled it without my husband by my side. Without his hand to hold, I would have wandered in the darkness for the rest of my life. He was my LIGHT in the dark. After walking through this with me, I’m not letting him go. He saved my life and I would not be here today without his tenacity and love. Find that one person who will never allow you to walk through this alone and never let them go. You will find that walking with someone makes the journey that much better.